


Nocturnal Admissions

by MaevesChild



Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: F/M, Unrequited Crush, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 17:12:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14856830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaevesChild/pseuds/MaevesChild
Summary: The Watcher of Cad Nua, Amara, keeps having saucy dreams. It's the best she can do under the circumstances.Takes place during the original PoE campaign.





	Nocturnal Admissions

Amara startled awake, heart pounding and a faint sheen of sweat prickled on her skin. It was hard to breathe. She never thought she’d pine for nightmares, but every night of the same thing was starting to get to her. The images from her dream stubbornly continued playing themselves out in excruciating detail. She hung her head in her hands, not daring to look up and see if anyone else was awake.

It was easier when she was just going mad.

There certainly hadn’t been any moment in Amara’s life she could say had gone as planned or even as she hoped, but the Drywood was a deeper level of wrong than she could have ever imagined.

Amara didn’t know what it would have been like to be born without Berath’s mixed blessings, without the branching vein-like tendrils that grew over her eyes, but it was easy enough to see the impact on her life; eerie reverence at the temple and fear and veiled disdain from others.

This adventure had started out as what seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. With both her parents passed, there was no reason to stay in her small village where she was the only godlike for miles around. Why not start over in a new place, with a free plot of land she could make her own? In the Drywood and Defiance Bay there were many like her. Perhaps not death-touched, but godlike of varying types and maybe there she could start a new life where being a priest of Berath was only her job. She’d finally have the chance to be a person the rest of the time.

Instead, her soul burst apart like like an overripe melon and being godlike became the lesser of the things that made her an oddity. But her pending insanity and Awakened soul aside, Amara was still mostly who she’d always been. She felt too big for her skin, too broad and awkward, too strange and certainly too ugly for a lot of the things other kith took for granted.

She paid for her first lover in Defiance City; an elf who looked entirely too like the cause of her more mundane troubles.

_Aloth Corfiser._

Amara wished she’d get over this childish foolishness, but it just wouldn’t let go. She knew what she looked like; she knew what she was. She was lucky she wasn’t born in Old Vailia so she was at least considered a woman. She was even more lucky her parents didn’t kill her at birth.

Things like love and romance weren’t things she was ever going to have. She learned it the hard way when the village boys were mortified, insulted by the mere idea she had interest in them. Amara was a freak touched by the god of death before she ever drew breath.

This time wasn’t going to be any different.

Aloth was brilliant; he was kind to her and she was kind to him in return, forgiving him for being less than honest about who he really was. He was grateful; more than grateful for her friendship.

But he was also sleek and beautiful and she found those things impossible to ignore. Aloth was as tall as she but far more lithe, graceful where she was ungainly. And if he ever decided to stop running, he wasn’t going to stay with her. He’d find a nice elf girl and go home to Aedyr. He was the dutiful sort and that’s what good, dutiful men did.

Just like the boys at home, he would be mortified if he knew how she felt about him. She knew better than to let herself hope for more.

Knowing better wasn’t enough to stop her dreams. She could feel the soft, normal skin on her lower cheeks and chin flush with embarrassment against her hands as she hid her face. The fire was almost burned down to nothing. If someone else woke it was dark, thank the gods. No one would see that she was having sweaty, exhausting and indecent dreams about Aloth even if her guilt was written all over her face.

If only her mind would let the images go, but after so many nights of this they haunted her even when she was awake. Her mind couldn’t help but wander. _The pale curve of his jaw, the cord of muscle at the side of his neck, his bare shoulder and her lips against each. His dexterous fingers in the animated tendrils of her hair. His breath on her skin. She could almost hear the soft, insistent noises he made when she touched him._

“Amara?”

Her heart flip flopped in her chest.

_Oh shit._

She looked up, trying to be casual and hoped she didn’t look as stricken as she felt. “I’m sorry, Aloth. Did I wake you?”

He blinked at her. “Yes.” Blunt as always.

Amara wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Bad enough her own sleep was interrupted by her lecherous thoughts. It was a thousand times worse that she was bothering him with her nonsense. She cared about him, not just wanted him. She didn’t want to harm him even with something as small as being jarred from sleep.

It’s why she’d never tell him how she felt. It could only end in pain.

“I’m sorry.” She repeated, hearing her voice crack on the words like sea ice on stones. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Aloth frowned. “That’s not...I didn’t...I mean you didn’t _disturb_ me. You were thrashing about a bit though. I was worried.” He tried to smile faintly, crossing his legs in front of him, his, long fingered hands delicately on his bent knees. “Nightmares again?”

“I….” She considered lying to him but she was already taxed to her emotional limit. If she tried to lie, he would know. “No, not tonight.”

“That’s good to hear,” he said, looking visibly relieved. His shoulders relaxed towards her. When he turned to face her, the side of his face disappeared into the shadows. He put his hand on her arm, so gently and for only a half heartbeat before he set it down again. “I’m glad. Not the easiest place to sleep, Engwithan Ruins,” he continued, forcing a jovial tone.. “Nightmares just add insult to injury.” He didn’t press her further.

“They certainly do,” she said. “My regular dreams are enough of a problem.”

Amara blushed harder, if that was even possible. Not only was she terrible at lying, but if she didn’t shut up now, she was going to blurt out something she was not going to be able to take back.

Aloth got that look on his face, the one right before Iselmyr battering-rammed herself into the conversation, but he cleared his throat and the moment passed.

“I am forever grateful I do not dream often,” he said, bland as milk. “I suspect Iselmyr would use the opportunity to torment me.”

 _“_ Aye, lad, ye torment yae self in the plenty. I dinna need to pitch in.”

He cleared his throat again. “Sorry.”

Amara smiled. “She’s right, you know.”

“I know,” Aloth sighed. “To be fair, you do it too.”

“Let’s make a deal then,” she said. “I’ll remind you not to do it, if you remind me.” She held out her hand.

The smile that spread across his face was unconscious and infectious. He got shy when he reached out his hand, his head bowed forward, a lock of dark of hair swinging in front of his face. He met her eyes, cheeks flushed pink.

“Yes,” he said. “It’s a deal.”

“Good.” Amara was happy, all her unrequited feelings aside. Aloth was her friend and in the end that was equally as important as anything else. A yawn snuck up on her and she covered her mouth. “I suppose I should try to get some more sleep,” she said, blinking sleepy tears out of her eyes.

The thought wasn’t entirely unpleasant. Embarrassment aside, at least while she was dreaming she had what she wanted.

“Good night Amara,” Aloth said, voice just loud enough to hear.

“Good night Aloth.”

She laid down onto her side facing away from him, cradling her head on her arm. The moment she closed her eyes, dream Aloth appeared again and with the same shy, blushing smile, kissed her.

 

* * *

 

 

Aloth mentally slapped himself and looked away. He looked often enough already. He should not be looking at the curve of her back when she laid down to rest. He shouldn’t have memorized the way her hair was almost alive, how it shifted colors in the light from burgundy, to violet, to black. He shouldn’t think about her strong shoulders and the way her arms moved when she wielded her sword.

He did all of those things no matter how he berated himself, despite knowing it was wrong and futile. The Lady of Cad Nua was better to him than he deserved but she wasn’t a fool. A less than honest elf from a broken family who continually made the wrong decisions was certainly never going to share her life.

When this was over and they found Thaos, no matter what happened and assuming they both survived, he knew he had to leave. Aloth cared about Amara; he cared more than he should and that’s why he could never tell her. She deserved better -- perhaps some noble widower who already had an heir and wouldn’t be put off by her godlike sterility. That would be ideal; she was landed nobility now. The best he could do was serve her and he could best do that by not complicating her life with his troubles.

Iselmyr spoke up in his thoughts. _“Dinna be daft, lad. Yae need ta tell her how yae feel.”_

_-I can’t.-_

He didn’t even think in words then but a wave of ache rolled over him. He put his hand on his chest over his heart so his heart wouldn’t leap out from between his ribs. Iselmyr was uncharacteristically silent. He knew she felt what he felt.

 _“Yae fearing she’ll break yae heart, laddie?”_ There was no accusation. Sympathy maybe.

“She already did,” he whispered aloud.

 

* * *

 

Amara heard Aloth’s voice filter through the haze of half sleep. He sounded so sad.

She held dream Aloth closer inside her head.


End file.
